Today, I want to write about making deals with God.

Have you ever done that?

Tell the truth.

I have, so many times. So many times.

Funny thing is this: my deals are usually the same, meaning - I offer the same thing in return.

In return for what? You know - to get me out of whatever mess / trouble / situation I might have been in.

Like -

When I thought my first girlfriend was pregnant and she said she would keep it.

When my business partner got Arrested, business tanked and my father’s property was in foreclosure danger.

When I needed to disappear to California after battling all kinds of addictions.

When my tire blew in the desert, right before arriving to California without money or a plan…

When the cops pulled me over on my way to Arizona to get my first paid writing gig, without even gas money for the return trip and the dogs sniffing the not-empty trunk…

When I ended up in the ER after jumping out of a moving car, drunk and heart broken..

First time someone threatened to go to the police during my underground plant-medicine days. And the second time. And the 3rd time.

What about the countless of times when I needed clear guidance and very tangible and concrete hand holding?

God always stepped it up. Always.

But what about me? Not really… it just seemed impossible to keep my end of the deal. I didn’t understand why until now.

Now, that I am a recovery somebody - I can shed some light on this situation, maybe it can help with your own negotiations :)

My experience that God always kept her end of the bargain. Always. Especially when I really needed “it” to.

What have I been consistently offering in return for God to save me?

We’ll get to that in a minute.

That answer isn’t as interesting to me as to the reason why I would flat out refuse to holdup my end of the deal…

Pretty amazing no? Considering the fact that we are talking about God. God who has been so consistently coming through for me every time to not just get my a$$ out of trouble but to also grace me with pleasant surprises, solutions and showering me with gifts.

Is there a “God” that’s actually listening and keeping their end of the bargain?

I mean, that’s a ridiculous notion, even if you do believe in an external power and even deity that’s watching over you. Does God care about whatever deal you are trying to make??

God, higher power, the ultimate source of everything which keeps us connected, that thing that heals us, gives us life and keep the universe expanding - is always there to be called upon because it is literally us.

It is us.

God is us. You, me, the ocean, the trees, the starts and the dust.

No wonder it keeps its of the deal - because when we believe it - we literally create it. As God.

I didn’t get that part until recently. There has always some separation between God and I..

Which is why I didn’t keep my end of the deal - it is literally and technically impossible to my deal while I thought I was “somebody”….

I used wish myself to be a messenger of God… that’s still somebody

I used to think that this power, Godly power that has the capacity to create miracles, healing and basically everything - can bestow good luck and fortune on me, as long that I acknowledge it, served it, was a channel for it and so forth.

But what I didn’t realize is that there is still separation in the above relationship.

Karma was the description of my own codependent relationship with god.

And that sense of separation kept me from keeping my end of the deal.

Oh yeah - what was my plea bargain offer?!

God, please help me, save me, show me the way, take me by the hand and I will -

speak your word.

Yep, that’s all I have been promising for 30+ years.

I will speak your word.

No wonder I haven’t been writing or sharing anything…

I cut myself off from myself.

It’s been technically impossible for me to keep that promise because I believed God to be a separate entity from me.

As a “Somebody”, who I am to speak the word of God? That’s literally insane.

Suffering from “Somebodyness”, how can I speak the word of God?

Yet, as a nobody and everybody… whenever I DO speak, it literally IS the word of God.

So here is to me, finally keeping my promise.

Or
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