MARRIAGE IS NOT A REHAB CENTER
Why a wedding ring does not cure loneliness, trauma, or a lack of identity.
When the tradition says “The Creator said to get married,” the intention is the commandment of Connection. It is about building a house. Creating a shared Vessel (Kli) where life can be revealed. It is not intended to be a technical mechanism that produces automatic happiness.
The Framework vs. The Content
Religious Law (Halacha) creates an obligation. But the Law does not promise emotional compatibility, mental maturity, or intimate capacity. It sets the Framework. What happens inside that framework depends entirely on two people:
Their level of awareness.
Their childhood wounds.
Their ability to work on themselves.
The Lie In the religious world, the message often shrinks down to: “Just get married and it will settle itself.” But in reality, marriage:
Does not solve internal loneliness.
Does not heal trauma.
Does not replace the building of an identity.
If a person enters a relationship from a deep existential need, even if it is “Kosher” and a “Mitzvah”... they will bring that exact need into the house.
The Purpose
The deeper idea of marriage is not “Don’t be alone.” It is “Don’t stay closed inside yourself.” Relationship is supposed to challenge the Ego, to teach giving, patience, and responsibility. But if there are no basic emotional tools? It becomes a battlefield instead of a place of growth.
The Generational Gap
There is a massive gap between generations.
Then: People lived in strong community structures. Clear roles. Limited expectations. Survival.
Now: We want deep friendship, attraction, meaning, personal freedom, AND spiritual development.
The demands on the relationship are enormous. That is why it is more complex.
The Reality Check
The Commandment does not cancel the internal work. It invites it. Not every person must marry “at any cost” to be whole. Tradition places great value on marriage, but Mental Wholeness is not created by a ring. It is created by the capacity to be in a healthy connection. And if there is currently no such capacity? A wedding will not create it ex nihilo (something from nothing).
There is an ideal of home and family. But it is not automatic magic. The real question is not “Why doesn’t it work like that?” The real question is: “What is required of us so that it CAN work?”
Translated from the Hebrew Transmissions of Ruth Kedem
ORIYA’S NOTE
We treat marriage like a Car Wash. We think we can drive our dirty, broken, traumatized selves into the tunnel of “The Wedding,” and we will come out the other side clean, shiny, and fixed.
The religious world sells this lie: “You’re depressed? You’re lonely? You’re addicted to validation? Just get married. The holiness of the home will fix it.” The secular world sells the same lie, just with different branding: “You just haven’t met The One.”
Both are selling magic. Marriage is not a Car Wash. Marriage is an Amplifier.
If you are happy and stable alone, marriage will amplify that into joy and building. If you are lonely and anxious alone, marriage will amplify that into paranoia and suffocation. If you don’t have a self before you get married, you won’t find one in your partner’s pocket. You will just become a parasite.
The text says: “Wholeness is not created by a ring.” Stop looking for a partner to be your therapist, your father, your mother, and your God. Build your own house first. Then invite someone in.