For those of you who have experience with Psychedelics - I assume you are familiar with the feeling and/or experience of “being back”, right?

I remember it so vividly, going on a “journey”, peaking on magic mushrooms or whatever the shaman / facilitator would hand us: sassafras, DMT, changa, Buffo, kanna, presence, Chinese cinnamon, Korean Crickets, Theobromine, jumbo K, tiny v, OCD, wild berries, Yellow Tuna, super snuggles or whatever else is on the soul-menu… as long that we get to come back home.

It happened to me again, about an hour ago, washing dishes, after a long day of being grumpy, shmoopy and wishing to disappear into the void. If I was still smoking weed or drinking, that’s exactly what I would be doing… but I hear my father keep telling me “Don’t do it”… and I listen. Not because he died from smoking, but because I know it’s the only thing I really have to do. Integrate.

I didn’t realize I was gone, I have been pretty high on my “oceanness” moment for almost 2 weeks now. Sharing about it two days ago amped up my forgetfulness though.

This is how it is. Right?

I still remember the first time I felt “back”. I didn’t even know back where, but I knew I was back somewhere. here.

August 2010

I was on a balcony during our first “facilitator training”. I was pretty excited to be in it, I felt like I had a big part in making it happen… speaking of “somebodyness”.

Let me explain. The shaman, chief facilitator, my teacher, has asked me 6 months earlier if I could ‘wait’ until he put a training group together. Not like I had a choice in the matter.

It was only a few sessions in, after my introduction to psychedelics and doing “the work”.

I was almost 30 years old, I have never felt more lost in my life and I was literally on my knees, every evening, begging God for help. Actually, I demanded God to “Take me by the hand”. Working for the Kabbalah Center for the last 5 years had me more lost than found. Yes I did (re)connected with spirituality, but I kept finding myself in shady corners of the lighthouse.

So when I a Kabbalah Teacher took me to my first plant-medicine journey with this shaman-dude, right after pleading with God for guidance, of course my next logical course of action would be to want to get in on the same action, no?

My game plan and “offer” which I sent via text to the Shaman - was for me to quit my job and for him to pay me $5000 per month while I accompany him and learn from him. I was dead serious about my generous offer. ‘

“Why are you competing with me?” was his initial response.

I kept bugging him about it and on the eve of my 30th birthday, I told him that it’s the only thing I want to do for the rest of my life - bring people back to the heart & build community. “I get your teachings” I pleaded with him.

“Could you wait 6 months? I am putting a training group together”

Music to my soul ears.

So here I am, peaking during our first facilitator training… my dream is coming alive, I am finally going to have a job, I am finally going to be somebody!

I walk out on the balcony and I see this woman there, I met her during my first ceremony about 9 months earlier - she was living in a cave on the side of a mountain.

When I saw her, I had this strange feeling of “PRESENCE” that I have never felt before.

“How long have you been here?” is all I could really ask her…

I didn’t mean “here” on the balcony, what I meant is “here… HERE”.

I have never felt HERE before. Ever.

“For a while” she answers with a smile - “I have been waiting for you guys to join”

It’s been more than 12 year since that night and I have had this experience repeat for sure. Actually, it is why I would go to the journeys in the first place - praying and hoping to “come back”.

But, big But - that experience usually belonged to the journey world, rarely did I experience this “backness” with the same intensity off plant-medicine.

Only when I shifted from a full time plant medicine facilitator, on the journey of “becoming nobody” with my move to Israel - did I begin to taste this without any substances, but not at first.

Truth is, that feeling of “being back” only returned when I met my FaceTime Audio Teacher / Mentor / Reminder…

Oh wow, as a matter of fact, our first call, just a little over two years ago, came on the heals of experimenting with LCD for more than 90 days straight…

Here is what I know for sure: with 10 years of psychedelic experiences - the experience of “being back”, off-substance is a lot stronger and more real than on-substance… because the experience itself - belongs to the medicine.

I am not saying I could have had one without the other, I am just reporting that today, just about an hour ago I had it again… on Day 3 of my Public Recovery from "somebodyness”.

Let me process this live with you - what exactly am I “back” to? I mean, I have had many experiences of presence, coming back to the hear and the now. This specific “backness” which I am referring to - the one I first experienced 12 years ago is: remembering my “wave-role”.

If two weeks ago, I remembered that I am the ocean, 12 years ago I remembered my wave-role, but I got lost in it…. because I had to confront my “somebodyness” deamons…

“We are all here to help each other remember why we are here” is the msg I keep getting.

I infuse these words with heart-opening-presence magic to bring you back home, right here, right now.

The struggle of forgetfulness is real.

Steven Pressfield calls this antagonistic force “Resistance”.

Judeo-Christians call it “Satan”.

The higher the angels, the higher the devils.

My mentor reminds me that we created the antagonist for our own benefit. It is a power that we created just to keep us on the path of radical responsibility!

Forgetfulness is the opposite and complimentary for our remembering.

I must be jonesing for somebodyness, as I claim my nobody.