2005 (I’m 25).

My lower back is killing me as this is my second run tonight, moving all my crap from Carlsbad to Los Angeles. It’s almost sunrise and I have the rest of my stuff in the truck. Thank God Chris lent me his pickup truck for this all nighter move. I still have to come back and get my car… when will I stop running away?

This is my 3rd escape in 2 months. Feels like I have been running away since my father did.

At least I don’t have to deal with Los Angeles traffic… especially considering that I have to make two trips just to get my stuff into my new place in L.A., I can’t even think about the fact that I didn’t have rent a room, it’s a dinning room turned into a bedroom by one of those temporary "Chinese Doors” dividers… and how comfortable will I be sleeping in the hallway between the living room and the kitchen… with my sleep apnea mask? I am not going to worry about it now, I just need to make sure I don’t run into my new roommate before he comes back home come sunrise.

Honestly, I don’t even know his name, the new roommate, I just moved in a little bit more than a month ago. He works the nightshift delivering mail for the post office, and for some reason I just don’t want to confront him. I guess this running away thing is becoming a habit.

It was just a few months ago that I ran away across country from New York to California, and here I am again - escaping to Los Angles this time. Escaping from New York, I kinda understand… I was too sheepish to tell my business partner Rick that I just need to start over. Again. But disappearing on my new sleep-apnea buddy in the middle of the night? I can’t believe he too sleeps with a mask pushing air down his throat.

It’s the confrontation I guess, I just can’t take it. I did leave a note this time, told him that my one month deposit should cover my midnight fleeing. I didn’t have that much stuff, just this new mattress I purchased is taking up most of the flatbed space and much to my own dismay, I have to do a double run to Angeles.

And where the hell am I going again? I just barely finished my two week drive from the Upper West Side of Manhattan to Carlsbad, California. And why am I leaving my dream beachside location and new writing gig? I literally fantasied about starting over in California working as a writer from a cafe, and I am taking off before my second pay check. My new boss wasn’t happy at all, he even threatened to “curse me”….

Where I am going again? Kabbalah Center Teacher Training? oook. I can’t even think about that right now, let’s focus on finishing this damn midnight escape to LA.

I have always loved driving at night. It’s my favorite time to make long drive and not only for obvious no-traffic purposes, but the actual feeling. Perhaps the memory of those childhood nighttime pickups. My father would come pick me on Thursday night every second weekend, for a few years at least, from the dreaded divorce until he too escaped to South Africa.

I remember laying on the backseat of his car, watching the yellow street lights smoosh above. I was only 5 years old, but I still remember those lights as angels above helping me get away from chaos and closer to paradise with dad.

I would feel happier every minute we got further from my home, the one with my mother and new step father. I don’t have such fond memories of the drive back to home-hell… yet the night time driving still relaxes me.

Actually, It was my mother who encouraged me to escape from New York to California in the first place. “You need to run away from your father” she tells me on the phone from Israel “You must get out of his Shadow” she explains further…

I didn’t need much convincing. I am only 25 and already knee deep into a mixture of misery, lying and addictions… Cocaine for day time (and sex) and wine+pain killers for getting some sleep.

My new(ish) business partner was obviously going to lose his inheritance going into business with me (I even overheard my father tell him that!) and my old business partner, from the dotcom days, has always been a christ-like figure in my life and didn’t seem too unsupportive when I told him that I am about to drive across country one way.

To Rick, the new business partner, I lied… I told him I am going away for a long weekend. I even charged the company credit card to fix and prep my car for the long journey. I also lied to my girlfriend - I told her I am going to go get us “setup” before invite her to join me… all while I had no intention to ever see her again.

So why didn’t I just settle in Carlsbad by the beach with my new (remote) writing gig? Jewish Mysticism was luring me in… especially when I just found out that the founder and chief teacher is my Godfather. “Give him a kiss on the forehead” my mother tells me on the phone “tell him Ilana sent you”…. I tried that, but I was told he had a stroke and isn’t communicative… that didn’t stop me from getting invited to Teacher Training obviously.

Chris’ pickup makes to Los Angeles smoothly, I am so grateful for his help, not just for the pickup tonight, but for the chance to crash at his place after my NY escape. We have been friends since he worked for my tech company a few years earlier, during the heydays of the dotcom bubble…

I came to California recruit Christopher when I was 18 years old, with gold in my eyes and the promise to be rich. We were gonna be millionaires together and now I am using his pickup to escape to Los Angeles - “one way” into a cult, according to google, but what I didn’t care what google said, I was dead-set remembering who the hell I am.