2007 (I am 27)

“I want you to be a double agent”

The recently fired Kabbalah teacher repeats himself -

“You can be a double agent, keep working there but help me at the same time”

I take a deep breathe, put the phone away from my face, just for a moment to think.

How the heck did I get into this situation? (Again)

“Get me that hard drive - with all the backups and i’ll get it over to the DA (District Attorney)”

“Let’s talk later” I hear myself mumble and hang up the phone.

I am not sure how I got myself into situation… I mean, I just started my life from scratch, again, in California and this experience & feeling, is way too familiar.

AND - these people ARE my home now. I feel safe here. They gave me meaning, a safe place to stay and a damn job!

It was less than two years ago that I drove one way from NY to California, with no plan to miraculously end up at the Kabbalah Center, that happens to be the birth-wisdom of my own conception and birth in the first place.

I prayed hard to end up here and it’s a dream come true to have been invited to “Teacher Training”.

“I want you to be my underground marketing guy” - these were the exact words of the Director and new boss. That’s the role I was offered right after the infamous teacher’s training.

How does “underground” go together with “marketing”? I found the true answer to that in my next stint as an underground urban shaman.

Of course I said YES.

However, I didn’t stay underground - I was too busy trying to be SOMEBODY.

“Eyes on the inside, heart on the outside” he said.. he told me to work from home, give myself any title that’s needed for the job - figure out how the Kabbalah Center can dominate the Spirituality Market.

Like I said, I didn’t really listen… the underground thing didn’t make sense for someone who is trying to become someone.

And for a few years, I kind of did become somebody there, so I thought.

And this guy, who I actually respected (and still do) wants me to help him deliver private financial data to the government, with the purpose of shutting the place down?!

The worst part is this - a big part of me agrees with his sentiment… this place smells a little funny. A little a lot. Plenty of power and resources yet still feels very childish and even abusive.

Could I destroy my own home?

Would I poison the well which I drank from as a baby?

What about the millions of people who have also been tapping this well.

I go to the bathroom and look at the mirror.

A very clear voice rises within me -

“If you close this place down, where are these people going to go?”

I am startled. What did I just hear?

“If you shut this place down, where are all these people going to go?”

I hear it loud and clear.

My next thought is this: if you want something to change, create the change.

I can not and will not be the judge of this place or anyone for that matter.

I am the one who keeps finding the shadowy corners…

What about doing my damn job?
What about doing something good for these people, especially the ones coming to learn and find community?

It’s a certain trap for a certain kind of fly, my job isn’t to judge it, but to find a way to deliver value and make things better.

That marks the first time I am learning to give value instead of condemnation. I spend the next few years turning Kabbalah University from an idea to reality, amongst other amazing & challenging projects. I get my own building, team and somebodyness.

We are all double agents in our own lives, the question is which one is running the show.

The one who finds what’s wrong with everything?

Or the one that’s looking to create value?!

The opportunity to share light is usually in the darkness.